Managing Perfectionism: Connecting Perfectionism and Childhood Emotional Neglect
Notes from the Editor: Dr. Julieta Rubio Hobbs, PhD, LPC-S
Latinx Therapist & Holistic Consultant
Blurred lines: Perfectionism, control, and anxiety
As Monica takes us down this road of perfectionism and its ties to childhood experiences, you might notice that there is a tie to perfectionism and a need to control the outcomes of things. When we lean into our perfectionism, everything has to be just right. This can cause us to want to control every factor or get anxious about an outcome not going as planned. You might even begin to obsess about details in your work or an event you are planning. Learning to let go of perfectionism takes time so it is important to give yourself grace (and practice self compassion) as you do this personal work.
Monica provides you with great resources at the end of the blog to help you work towards healing.
Hello perfectionism, my old friend.
Do you ever find yourself trapped in a never-ending quest for excellence? The kind where “good” simply isn’t good enough? You’re not alone. Today, we are diving into perfectionism. We will also take a look at how our experiences with emotional neglect play a role in shaping it.
Understanding Perfectionism
Perfectionism is like an itch you can’t help but scratch. It usually starts small, often from a young age, and can grow into something that dominates our lives. But why do we feel this constant need to be perfect?
The truth is, perfectionism often begins as an attempt to earn approval and acceptance. It is about wanting to be seen, loved, and valued. Somewhere along the way, we learned that the key to receiving love and belonging is by earning it.
According to Dr. Brene Brown, a social worker and researcher, “Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.” In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, she explains that most perfectionists are overachievers and rule-followers. They were praised for their achievements and performance. But here’s the catch – we are not just what we can produce and give to others; we are so much more.
Notes from the Editor (cont.): Dr. Julieta Rubio Hobbs, PhD, LPC-S
Latinx Therapist & Holistic Consultant
Did you catch that? You are more than what you give. You are worth more than what you can achieve. Let that sit with you for a little bit and what it actually means in your life before you move on. How would you move differently through life if you fully accepted this truth?
Alright, so we know what perfectionism is. But why do we keep going back to it? Well, besides the desire for approval, perfectionism also serves as a shield. It shields us from painful emotions like shame, judgment, and blame. For some of us, it was a shield that felt essential for survival.
We also use perfectionism as a way to be seen and validated. As children, we hoped that by being flawless, we could earn love and belonging from our caretakers. The pursuit of perfection becomes a way to fill the emotional gaps left by our early experiences.
The Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Now, let’s talk about Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN. It is a term that describes a type of childhood neglect where a child’s emotional needs are unmet or ignored by their caretakers. It is the absence of emotional support, validation, and responsiveness during a child’s crucial developmental years.
Emotional neglect is not necessarily the result of intentional harm. Often, the physical needs of a child are well taken care of, and their family might seem “ideal.” However, the emotional support is lacking, which can have a profound impact.
**It is important to note that everyone has experienced moments where their emotional needs weren’t met by their caretakers. This does not mean that our caretakers were failures or “bad” people. CEN is more about a pattern of neglecting emotional needs, often unintentional. There is definitely more to say about the systemic pressures that contribute to people becoming disconnected from their emotions, but that is a subject for another time.**
Some common signs of childhood emotional neglect include:
- Emotional unavailability: This occurs when caretakers fail to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This leaves the child feeling unsupported and disconnected.
- Lack of validation: Dismissing children or invalidating them when they express their feelings. This can lead to a belief that their emotions are unimportant or wrong.
- Neglect of emotional boundaries: Parents or caretakers crossing a child’s emotional boundaries and expecting them to take care of the caretakers’ emotions. This results in the child believing that only their caretakers’ feelings are important and not their own.
- Inconsistent responsiveness: Parents may inconsistently or unpredictably respond to a child’s emotional needs. This leaves the child uncertain about whether they can rely on their caretakers for emotional support.
The connection between CEN and perfectionism is complex and unique to each individual. However, CEN frequently underlies perfectionistic behavior and beliefs. Listed below are some common ways CEN and perfectionism intersect:
- Seeking External Validation. When children experience emotional neglect, they often grow up feeling that their emotions are unimportant or wrong. They develop a strong desire to seek external validation to fill the emotional void left by their caretakers. Perfectionism becomes a coping mechanism to gain approval. People may believe that if they can be perfect in every way, they will finally receive the validation and love they missed during childhood.
- Fear of Rejection. CEN may lead to a fear of rejection due to early experiences of emotional unavailability. To protect themselves from this pain, we may strive to be flawless in all aspects of life. The belief is that being perfect makes us more lovable and less likely to be rejected.
- Unmet Emotional Needs. Perfectionists often set very high standards for themselves. These standards may be an attempt to compensate for the unmet emotional needs of their past. The belief is that excelling in these areas can prove our worth and meet those unfulfilled emotional needs.
- Self-Worth Tied to Achievements. Emotional neglect can leave individuals feeling unworthy or unimportant. Perfectionism can emerge as a way to regain a sense of self-worth by tying it to their achievements. Perfectionists believe that maintaining self-worth and validation requires constant achievement and excellence.
- Fear of Vulnerability. Emotional neglect can make it difficult for perfectionists to express their emotions. This leads to an avoidance of vulnerability. Perfectionists avoid vulnerability by presenting an image of competence and flawlessness. This image is designed to protect themselves from emotional pain.
- Relentless Self-Criticism. Perfectionists are often plagued by self-criticism and an inner voice that constantly tells them they are not good enough. Emotional neglect experienced as children informs this inner critic. Perfectionists absorb the belief that they are inadequate or flawed. This belief perpetuates their perfectionist tendencies.
- Striving for Control. Emotional neglect can leave individuals feeling out of control in their own lives. Perfectionism can be an attempt to regain control by imposing strict rules and standards upon themselves. By striving for perfection, they hope to get rid of uncertainty and chaos.
Recognizing the connection between childhood emotional neglect and perfectionism is an important step toward healing and personal growth. Breaking free from the restraints of perfectionism often involves addressing the underlying emotional wounds of CEN. This can be achieved through developing self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, support through therapy, and a gradual shift toward embracing imperfection.
Notes from the Editor (cont.): Dr. Julieta Rubio Hobbs, PhD, LPC-S
Latinx Therapist & Holistic Consultant
Another important observation to be made here is how these behaviors can impact our relationships. Monica described the need to seek external validation, fear of rejection, and fear of vulnerability. These are behaviors or beliefs that can impact how we show up in our relationships. Therapy can help you gain a better understanding of the connections between perfectionism, relationships issues, and past childhood experiences.
Breaking Free: The Path Through
To lessen the impact of perfectionism, we need to start with accepting ourselves fully. Dr. Brene Brown suggests that we need to be able to become more tolerant and accepting of our uncomfortable emotions. We need to practice acknowledging our vulnerabilities. We need to learn how to deal with shame in an adaptive way, and practice being kind to ourselves.
That’s definitely easier said than done! But here are some steps toward those goals.
Remember, perfectionism is not the same as striving to be your best. Striving for self-improvement is self-focused, while perfectionism is other-focused. Self-improvement asks, “How can I improve?” Perfectionism asks, “What will they think?” Practice noticing when the beliefs or thoughts that are guiding you are self-focused or other-focused.
Start practicing self-compassion. Self-compassion is having compassion toward yourself as you would for others when you are struggling, are not successful at something, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. It’s about being your own best friend when you need it most. Dr. Kristin Neff has several free practices and exercises, as well as much more information about self-compassion.
Unpack and process your own experiences with CEN. Understanding the roots of perfectionism and how it has developed is essential to breaking free from it. While this journey can be painful and uncomfortable, therapy can be a valuable resource for those looking to work through the impacts of CEN.
Practice Patience
Lasting change is slow and takes time and effort. It’s okay to have moments of frustration and impatience along the way. There are going to be times when you revert back to old patterns of behavior and thinking–and that is absolutely okay! Those old patterns kept us safe and helped us to get our needs met when we needed them to. But now you are on a new path toward greater self-acceptance and joy. Remember, you are the most important person in your life. You are worth all the joy that you seek.
This blog post was also informed by Dr. Jonice Webb’s work on Childhood Emotional Neglect.
