Our parents set expectations for us from an early age. Sometimes those expectations follow us into adulthood. Depending on our upbringing, sometimes we are taught boundaries that infringe on our well-being. Boundaries play an important role in our relationships and when we have healthy boundaries they help us not only as individuals but also in relationships- they can help us have stronger well defined roles.

It’s ok to say no, it’s okay to take space, it’s ok to disagree.

Having unhealthy boundaries can leave us feeling pressured to do things we don’t want, unhappy in our relationships, and unfulfilled in our life. Sometimes unhealthy boundaries coincides with pleasing people. 

• • Do you feel the need to make sure you don’t let someone down? 
  • You are always the agreeable one. The one that takes care of things. Or fixes your loved ones’ problems.

But the truth is, it wears you down. Poor boundaries take away from taking care of yourself and your needs. You have a kind heart, you want to be there for others, and do the right thing. Heck, you want to help others heal and see things from a different light! BUT your loved one usually isn’t ready to see it or hear it.

Where does that leave you? Physically present but emotionally distant? Emotionally neglecting yourself while you take care of others? Boundaries. These “simple” guidelines can help you and your loved ones self correct the trajectory of your relationships and help you meet your emotional and mental needs.

Here are a few things to consider before you say yes to a request from a loved one:

1. Do I have time on my schedule to help with this issue?
2. Will this take away time from things that I need to do? If so, am I willing to take that risk?
3. Create a gauge of your energy needs. For example, on a scale of 1 to 10 how much energy do I have today and how much energy am I willing to share with someone else?

Saying yes can feel good and rewarding but saying no can create space for healing and focusing on your needs. However, sometimes we have to do a little more work before we start to feel the benefits of saying no.  An important question to consider when working on boundary issues: What feelings are tied to your response when your boundaries are being pushed? It’s important to acknowledge any feelings that come up. Perhaps you are feeling guilty for saying no. Maybe negative thoughts start entering your mind for not being a good friend, sibling, partner, daughter, or son. You might even be beating yourself up for being “selfish”.

Combating these negative thoughts and feelings is of the utmost importance when working on dismantling unhealthy relationships. For this part of the process I like using positive affirmations and positive thoughts. Remind yourself “I am enough” “I have to take care of my needs before I take care of others” “I care for [insert name] but I need to take care of xyz in order to be able to show up for myself and them.”

Setting healthy boundaries gives you the opportunity to be your best friend. Part of the process is reestablishing a relationship with yourself that is loving, caring, and considerate. When you are able to show up for yourself first in this way, then you will more easily and fully be able to be present in your relationships without feeling emotionally neglected. Perhaps most importantly you will be amazed by the respect that comes out of practicing healthy boundaries in the relationship with yourself and others.

If your relationships are continually getting the better of you, remember it’s ok to seek help or guidance. Check out my page on Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues.