Latino Family: Why am I uncomfortable talking about my feelings?
Dr. Julieta Rubio Hobbs
Latinx Therapist & Holistic Consultant
Growing up in a latino family, talking about feelings was not the norm. Without realizing it parents, grandparents, family members stopped us from expressing our emotions with “no llores, it’s ok”. And if you grow up with caregivers that were on the harsh end “I’ll give you something to cry about” might be a common phrase you heard growing up. Adults can be quick to shut down feelings of sadness or not tolerate a child being angry or frustrated. Why might adults do this? Most likely this is what happened to them when they were a child expressing feelings.
However, what ends up happening is that we don’t have the experience to learn how to hold sadness or anger in a safe space; where we can learn to regulate our emotions. As we grow up, it also becomes uncomfortable to show these forbidden feelings around others. So what do we do instead? We push the feelings away, we hide what we are feeling, and disguise it with a “more acceptable” feeling. This is something that ends up getting passed down generation to generation.
How do I connect to my feelings?
It may look a little different for everyone when you try connecting with your feelings. We experience life and emotions differently. Some of us our criers others might be more kinesthetic feelers and experience our emotions physically in our body. Pay attention to how your body responds when you are feeling emotions.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Are your emotions visceral? Do they come in strong without needing to think?
- Are you a more cognitive feeler? That is to say, are your feelings hidden within your thoughts?
- If you tend to think more than feel, you might have to dig a little deeper to understand what feeling your thoughts are tied to.
- Do your emotions show up in your body? Notice how your body reacts when you are experiencing emotions. Does your body tense, how does your chest feel, or your throat?
Fun tip: Did you know that your emotions are tied to your language centers in your brain? If you are bilingual, maybe you’ve noticed that when you get angry it’s easier to switch to your native language. Pay attention when big emotions come up and what language you are able to express yourself in. This can also give you some insight as to what language or culture your feelings are rooted in.
Feeling Wheel
There is a whole vocabulary of feelings out there and sometimes it can be helpful to see feeling words in order to identify what emotions you are experiencing. The feeling wheel is a great resource to help you expand your feeling vocabulary and be more intune with what emotions come up for you.
Why is it important to talk about my feelings?
Feelings can be uncomfortable if we are not used to experiencing them. Sometimes it might even feel like a nuisance or hindrance to your day. However, we all have feelings and it is absolutely normal to have and express our feelings. In fact, I would argue that in order to “let go” of our feelings we must first acknowledge/express them.
The more comfortable you are with your feelings and the easier you are able to identify them, the easier it will be to release uncomfortable feelings versus letting them lie in the background quietly disrupting your day or social interactions.
How do I talk to my family or loved ones about my feelings?
“I” statement can be helpful in communicating with our family effectively. Chances are you are not the only one in your family that is uncomfortable talking about emotions. If it is out of the norm to talk about feelings, a normal reaction might be to get defensive or deflect when feelings are brought up.
It might take some practice for both you and your family member to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. But it might go something like this:
YOU: “I felt sad and hurt when you teased me about my weight.”
FAMILY MEMBER: “I am just playing with you, it’s not a big deal.”
YOU: “Even if it is playing, it is a sensitive topic for me. I am already hard on myself and hearing it from someone else really brings me down.”
FAMILY MEMBER: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were struggling so much with this.”
To help you counteract defensiveness or blaming, lead with “I feel” when starting a conversation and avoid saying “you”. This helps the person focus on what you are experiencing instead of becoming defensive.
Latino Family and Values
As you can see from the example I provided above, using “I” statements also takes vulnerability. If you are hesitating at being vulnerable and opening up about feelings right away, spend some more time in the “how do I connect to my feelings section”.
You might also want to take a look at what values you might be holding that are keeping you from being vulnerable. In the latino culture, orgullo or pride is a big value. It can be a challenge to find the balance between the two. However, there is pride in vulnerability.
While many families regardless of culture struggle with expressing feelings, it can be helpful to understand the role your culture and family values play in how you connect with your feelings. For the latino family, while there is a generational component that has been passed down, there are also the values of pride and respect that bring a different dynamic to how we interact with our loved ones.
